I'm sitting here watching the Nascar truck race on Speed and just got off the phone with Jay after having our first big argument. He gone to South Carolina for the weekend to visit his mom who he hadn't seen in a while. I have to work tomorrow or I would have went and if I had then the fight wouldn't have happened.

The fights totally my fault and I know it but still its hard to do anything about it. The whole thing is about me not saying those 3 little words, I love you when its said to me either over the phone or while he's going out the door. I knew it would eventually lead to a fight just didn't know when. At first he would just play it off and laugh about it when I would always say me too, whenever he would say it. Its funny cause its weird for me to even type the words,how crazy is that.

Anyways it got to the point where he was just saying I like you at the end of a phone call as a way to point out that he wasn't gonna say it if I wasn't going to,which didn't bother me but I did notice but never said anything. Tonight he said the words and I did my usual reply, me too. Then he says,"Look don't say it if you don't mean it" and then it was silent for like 5 seconds which seemed like a whole minute and when I didn't say anything he hung up. Must have been the shortest fight in the history of phone fights lol.

I shouldn't laugh about it cause it is a serious issue I have but I reckon its better than crying about it, or maybe it would be better to cry over it,who knows. The words were never said when I was younger in my family So me playing half ass shrink I would say that's where the whole thing stems from.

I'll have the problem the rest of my life if I don't do something about it and it will probably lead to ever relationship I have with a guy ending up with him just leaving. Now that I think back that may be the reason my relationship with Ryan ended the way it did, I'll have to do a lot more thinking on that. So will I call and say the words to Jay, I doubt it. I'm one hard headed son of a bitch. He's originally from South Carolina so maybe he had it planned to get in a phone fight with me while he was home and just stay there.

I seen this quote on a sign yesterday and thought it was really cool. I tried looking up who said it but seems to be by unknown, he says a lot of cool stuff


Yesterday is History,Tomorrow a Mystery,Today is a Gift,Thats why it's called the Present

In case anybody's wondering about my profile pic and why I changed it. I think most people know I hate pics of myself. I use to think I was to thin,back when that pic was taken I was 17 and even back then hated pics of me. Pics of me are kinda rare and my sister sent that pic along with a few other old ones to me the other day, Damn Ive changed now they got me thinking I'm to fat. I can't believe I'm saying this but I like the old me a whole lot better.

Hey I realized after I made my last post that I had mentioned having me a boyfriend but didn't even tell y'all his name, crazy me. His name if anybody was curious is Jayson but everybody just calls him Jay.

So about my boo boo I mentioned in my post, it hurt like hell when it happened and still sore like I been whipped with a belt.

It happened Tuesday I didn't have any classes and I was waiting at a house that were working on for a bunch of drywall to be delivered that I to sign for. Anyways truck pulls up from the place who's name I wont mention but the initials are H.D. and main color is orange. I didn't notice but the load of drywall wasn't exactly on the truck straight and I had my back turned, strap holding the load down popped and smacked me right on the ass. It left a mark even through my jeans and is really sore.



Even though its sore I'm sure it would have been much worse if Jay hadn't kissed it and rubbed lotion on it:)

Wow I can't believe I remembered the password to this blog lol. It did take me 3 tries to get it right though. Just haven't been into getting on here and writing anything down. My life is pretty boring, its just school and going home. Schools going good they ain't kicked me out yet cause of bad grades or whatever. When not going to school I'm working for Ryan's mom helping fix up houses. Its not actually working for her its for the construction company but her being in the real estate business she involved in the houses that are getting fixed up if that makes sense.

Yes if your wondering Mike does have a boyfriend. I have actually had 2 one being the guy I got now. The other guy lets just say didn't last long once I found out his bad habit of putting stuff up his nose. Luckily things didn't go far enough along with us for me to worry about anything if ya know what I mean, like in as far as me getting anything he may have had. Lets just say I didn't get fleas from the dog haha

But my guy now is certainly a keeper:) hes funny not to mention cute as a little kitten and this one definitely doesn't have fleas!! I met him at school and we being together now for about 4 months and all is great between us.

So about the title of my post Beautiful Loser, you may not know but along with country music I also love old rock music and love me some Bob Seger. Anyway I hadn't heard this song in ages but it has been in my head for about a week. So I stated listening to the song and reading the lyrics and got to wondering what the song was about, who is he describing in it. I'm not saying that I'm beautiful far from it but I read a comment on youtube that someone made about what they think the song means.

The song seems pretty simple to me. It's about a "good" man, who is considerate and kind and good ... but he is throwing away happiness with both hands, because he isn't able to be "happy" with what he has, because he thinks his goodness entitles him having it all, having everything and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have it all.
The singer pities the man, because he knows how crushing it will be for the man when he finally realizes that he's been wrong.

And it seems like it fits me somehow, I don't know maybe I'm crazy but I see myself in the lyrics. I'd like to think that I'm a "good" guy and I often wonder where being a good guy gets you in life. Look at other people who you wouldn't say are good and there is a lot of them that I would say have it all. Yeah I'm mainly referring to money and I know that's not having it all when you got tons of money but it sure don't hurt having it. A guy can be the biggest asshole in the world but if they have money other people look past the asshole part just cause of the money. Then you have the "good" guys they just get overlooked for the most part.



I don't know I reckon I'm just thinking to much. I plan writing on here more than i have been which has been hardly not at all but anyway maybe at least once a week or so, just to get things off my mind like the Beautiful Loser song that was bugging me.

I think its about time to put this blog out of its misery. Ive never liked talking about myself and to come on here and try to I hate it. I know most will say nobodys forcing me to so why not just keep the blog and do like Ive been doing and post song videos and pics or whatever else I choose. I would do that but I got the feeling that I just need a fresh start of things and deleting this blog is part of it. I also got some other things I'm going to make a fresh start with but that's personal and those involved will find out soon enough, silence is golden.

I do like having a blog to post stuff on when I feel like it so I will be starting another one to post stuff on that interests me. I'll leave this blog up until I start the new one and put the link up just in case anybody would want to check it out.