I'm sitting here watching the Nascar truck race on Speed and just got off the phone with Jay after having our first big argument. He gone to South Carolina for the weekend to visit his mom who he hadn't seen in a while. I have to work tomorrow or I would have went and if I had then the fight wouldn't have happened.

The fights totally my fault and I know it but still its hard to do anything about it. The whole thing is about me not saying those 3 little words, I love you when its said to me either over the phone or while he's going out the door. I knew it would eventually lead to a fight just didn't know when. At first he would just play it off and laugh about it when I would always say me too, whenever he would say it. Its funny cause its weird for me to even type the words,how crazy is that.

Anyways it got to the point where he was just saying I like you at the end of a phone call as a way to point out that he wasn't gonna say it if I wasn't going to,which didn't bother me but I did notice but never said anything. Tonight he said the words and I did my usual reply, me too. Then he says,"Look don't say it if you don't mean it" and then it was silent for like 5 seconds which seemed like a whole minute and when I didn't say anything he hung up. Must have been the shortest fight in the history of phone fights lol.

I shouldn't laugh about it cause it is a serious issue I have but I reckon its better than crying about it, or maybe it would be better to cry over it,who knows. The words were never said when I was younger in my family So me playing half ass shrink I would say that's where the whole thing stems from.

I'll have the problem the rest of my life if I don't do something about it and it will probably lead to ever relationship I have with a guy ending up with him just leaving. Now that I think back that may be the reason my relationship with Ryan ended the way it did, I'll have to do a lot more thinking on that. So will I call and say the words to Jay, I doubt it. I'm one hard headed son of a bitch. He's originally from South Carolina so maybe he had it planned to get in a phone fight with me while he was home and just stay there.